Asters & Dandelions

I just want to take a moment to thank all of my readers who remain invested in my journey, even when life gets busy and I don’t prioritize my blog as I should and take extended breaks. I look forward to writing more often in the next 9 months!

Hello from Korea! If you are one of my long time readers, you may already know how ironic it is that I am writing you once again from Korea. If you’re a new reader, feel free to catch up at my sister blog mom guilt and breastmilk (https://momguiltandbreastmilk.wordpress.com). I am currently here on a rotation with my super hero husband back home keeping my home afloat in my absence. No one can ever be prepared to leave their family for extended periods of time; that’s to be expected. What I was not expecting was the flood of emotion the second I arrived back into this country that brought me so many dark times and brought my family so much growth. Not sadness, not anger, or frustration; just pure emotion. When we arrived to Korea 6 years ago we sat in a less than average hotel at Camp Humphreys with our sweet little two year old boy. We never expected to go through things that would test our marriage, test my husbands career path, test who I am as a person. I honestly think I may have failed that last test but I came back around in due time. We left here two years later with a four year old, twin one year olds, and a cat. Oh how much filled the pages of our story during those two years. Those two years brought so much character development, many plot twists, and the pinnacle, the ultimate climax in our plot, the birth we weren’t sure we’d ever get to share. Like every worthy story, the long journey full of obstacles led us to the arrival of our sweet twin girls. Every single chapter and story line came flooding back to me once I arrived again on Korean soil.

Here I sit, 6 years later, 100lb lighter, but most notably: without my family by my side. It’s as if I am the only remaining main character in season 12 of a long running series. I carry all of my story, intermingling with all of these new characters who we have yet to see will become main characters, antagonists injected into my story for character development, and who will be extras to fill the void of my day to day life.

As much as I wish this was a lengthy post mimicking adventure bloggers who share their content in the caption of a well angled picture of the author on a wondrous trip with the obligatory waterfall or mountain range in the background, full of my detailed to do list of how to conquer Korea, it isn’t. This is instead a self accountable post. As any one who has read my posts from Huachuca knows, I am no stranger to the dark corners our minds can go to and my mind, rerouting like a gps after taking a turn too soon, is already navigating me directly to those dark corners I tend to go to like falling into your bed or climbing atop a corner barstool and grabbing a cold pint in your favorite dive bar after a long day.

I find myself here again and maybe it is lingering memories of my survival of last time, maybe it is the resounding fact that I was not made to live life without my family by my side, but I can see those corners approaching already. I’m not quite there yet but I am certainly en route.

Don’t get me wrong, I have plans. Not quite a survival guide to a 9 month rotation in the country that brought you some of the darkest times of your life, more like a do’s and don’t’s list of my gratuities and regrets from our previous time. The problem is, I did survive last time but I almost didn’t. Not me, as a human being, but definitely all the things that make me who I am. I was just a shell. After leaving my children before their first report cards came out, and knowing the chaos that weighs on being the sole ring leader in the Nelson house for my husband, I refuse to come back and not be greater, stronger, and more accomplished than when I left.

While I have filled this post thus far with the anxiety filling my mind, like scribbles you make when your pen won’t write, there are notable differences this time than last. Yes, of course I do not have my family by my side but I do have something I longed for the entirety of my last time spent here; a support system. I have people who can support my growth as a soldier and I also have people who can empathize with and empower me through the hollowness I carry on days I walk without my family. The biggest void I felt during our last time in Korea was the lack of a village. There is nothing like a mother walking through her life without her children but despite this overwhelming weight, I now have the one thing I longed most for: my village.

Here I am with a restart. A chance to do all the things I wished I had done differently my first time around in Korea. A chance to navigate through these dark corners more gracefully than last time I was away from my family. My anxiety with all of the changes that come with my new normal for the next 9 months is overwhelmingly loud at the moment but this too shall pass. After everything I have overcome before entering my first unit, I will NEVER be away from my family as long as I have already been. So here I am finding silver linings and bumping into walls on my way through all of these dark corners. This time around, I will not only survive, but I will thrive.

I intend on sharing a post more true to my brand soon but in the mean time felt the need to share my current state to hold myself accountable to create all of the wonderful posts to come.

Forever thankful to everyone who reads my posts. Whether you have only just walked through the door, or you’ve been holding my hand since I began this blog journey 6 years ago. You empower me, you validate me, and you strengthen me. Thank you.