Asters & Dandelions

I want to push out a new blog post, I do but sometimes mental illness clogs up my creative flow. I needed a little help to get this one going so I grabbed a helping hand on Pinterest. I never look for ‘blog post topics’ to get inspiration for my blog because more often than not they’re on how to make money, how to make product reviews, and many other surface level topics and as my readers know, this is not what drives my blog. I search instead for ‘journal prompts’. My search provided me with this gem I’m going to use as bit of a cheat sheet.

So here it goes:

2. Write down 3 things you are thankful for:
   • My husband. He’s always the first on my list of things I’m thankful for. He has loved me long before I loved me. He’s wanted greatness for me since before I could even imagine it and his love for me helps me learn how to love myself deeper everyday.
   • My children. I have had a quite unbelievable chain of events thrown at me in my process to making it home to them and while most days I absolutely want to give up, I forever have them in the back of my mind. Remembering all the time I’ve lost with them and knowing I cannot let it be in vain pushing me everyday to be the soldier I’m supposed to be so I can, at the end of this, be the mother I’m supposed to be.
   • My blog. It’s a detrimentally small feat but having this outlet and having an audience who supports my life, is everything in a time in my life where I often feel like my days are pointless. Some weeks, most weeks lately, my blog is my greatest accomplishment.

3. When were you last not depressed? What is different in your life then and now?
   • The 12 days I spent at home between basic training and AIT. This was the last time my family was whole before I left for AIT and Germain left for deployment.

4. Write about the happiest time in your life:
   • This is such a hard one for me. My mental health skews my memory and tarnishes some of the best times of my life. I would say the happiest time in my life was the time right before we left Korea, when Germain stayed home from work preparing for our pcs and we sat in our living room, all of our belongings packed awaiting the movers, and we just spent endless days binging Netflix, hanging out with our kids and ordering take out. There is definite truth in the little things become the big things.

5. What are 3 new hobbies you’d like to try?
   • Woodworking. Is that the right term? I want to build things. I want to have the skill to build things for my home!
   • Learning a new language. Not sure if this is a hobby per say but learning a new language is something I have wanted to do for years. I did duolingo for a couple months but quickly forgot everything I had learned by the second month of my fifth failed attempt.
   • Vocal lessons! My plate is so full I can’t rationally imagine squeezing this in anytime in the near future but maybe some day. Here’s to helpful thinking anyway.

6. What is a part of yourself you are unhappy with- how can you improve on this?
   • The house I have built up around all the parts of me who make me who I am. I am a very guarded person. I often get told I am intimidating or look mean and my first reaction is honestly: ‘good’ because I do not want people to approach me. I need to be nicer. I need to let the people around me absorb who I am as a person and give them an opportunity to accept me or hate me on my terms.

7. What is a goal you are working towards?
   • A leg tuck! I am not driven by the validation of other people. My physical growth is rooted in not letting my body hold me back from any given obstacle I want to achieve. As my readers know, I am in the army. The new ACFT (Army Combat Fitness Test) requires my mos to complete, at the minimum, one leg tuck. I have yet to accomplish that feat but I WILL.

8. What are you going to do to work towards that goal?
   • I have recently started working a night shift which gives me much more freedom to workout on my own terms. This could be the downfall of some, unmotivated soldiers, but for myself who is my own worst critic, the freedom to work on my own short comings is the silver lining of my time here in this purgatory.

9. Name one event that troubles you and you want to work on letting go of.
   • The low point I was at when I decided to start my weight loss journey. For those of you who don’t know, I lost 100 lbs before decided to join the army. When I began this journey, I started because I hated my body and in the process, grew to work because I loved my body. Even though I know my truth and respect my journey, I struggle to accept my low point that led to my journey.

10. What area of your life are you most unhappy with?
    • My military career. I have had a unique set of challenges that are prohibiting me from being the soldier I want to be. Because I am still in TRADOC, that prohibits me from being the person I want to be, the wife I want to be, the mother I want to be.

11. How can you start making changes to improve this area?
    • Most of the things I am unhappy with are out of my control. I can improve this area by accepting the process. I need to find patience through this trying time and focus on my physical fitness; virtually the only aspect of my life which I still have control of.

12. When is the last time you did something nice for yourself?
    • I often divulge in the tried and true vice of online shopping. While it brings me instant gratification, I am aware that I find more lasting gratification from knowing I workout 5 days a week even on the days I whole heartedly don’t want to. For that, I am grateful for my support team and the people I work with who push me to do better.

13. What are your interests?
    • I’m a big tv show buff. I love finding those shows where I can’t leave my room, totally obsessed, deep character line, shows. Also love, love, love music. If I had a superpower, it would be making the perfect playlist for a mood.

14. Talk about a time you helped someone.
    • Since being in the Army, I have received an article 15 because I was falsely accused of doing something I didn’t do. I never snitched on the people who actually did partake in said action. The party involved is now being chaptered from the army do to greater charges. What is that phrase about Karma again?

15. Talk about a time you helped a stranger:
    • Whenever I can. I may not be serving at soup kitchens or running blood drives but I buy someone’s coffee behind me whenever I can and anytime someone comes up short in front of me at the grocery store, I’ll always cover the rest. It may not be much but it’s what I have to give.

16. What is something you are looking forward to?
    • Leaving. Leaving Fort Huachuca. Leaving AIT. Moving on to the big army and starting my actual career. Knowing when I leave for work, I’ll be ending the day, no matter how disappointing or stressful, with my family.

17. What is something you can plan, so you will look forward to it?
    • Christmas. I haven’t even thought that far ahead because I’m honestly just trying to survive one day at a time but the truth is, I will be home for Christmas. Might as well begin to plan for this and make it the best we’ve had yet because God knows I’ve got time to make up for.

18. What is one habit you’d like to stop?
    • Vaping. I quit smoking cigarettes …in leu of vaping. Which is simply the lesser of evils. I still feel like it makes a difference in my run time. In a world of normalizing addiction, this is a *good* replacement but the truth is I want to be a woman who relies on no vices.

19. What is one habit you’d like to start?
    • Deep cleaning. I’m very good about keeping my room clean but I hate it here and I have a hard time putting love into this space. I want to start putting forth extra effort to make my room a truly clean space.

20. What is your favorite inspirational quote?
    • “The only way out is through”
      • Helps remind me, even in the thick of it, I must carry on. The only way to survive what I’m going through now is to keep going. There will be better times ahead.

21. How can you make time for those interests?
    • For me, this is all about time management. Since switching to night schedule, all I have is time. It’s up to me how I choose to spend it.

22. How would your perfect life look?
    • My perfect life would look like an equal balance of genuine hard work to be where I want to be physically and professionally while still giving as much personal time to my home life as possible. This may be an impossible task but I may very well spend my entire professional career seeking this level of nirvana.

23. Who is someone who is negative who you would like to spend less time with?
    • This is a very hard question for me. While I am often labelled as cold and mean, I am very good at cutting out negative influences in my life. While I am very closed off, this is for a reason. I am very susceptible to the energy around me. I can be easily brought down by the energy around me and for that fact, I am very good at protecting myself from that.

24. Who are people that have a positive effect on your life and you would like to spend more time with?
    • Again, this is a very hard question for me. Because I am so guarded, I have a tendency to take so long to get close to people that by the time I get close to them, they have one foot out the door; so is life of a soldier. But I’d say, seek out those strong individuals who are super motivated and positive; physically and mentally.

25. Who inspires you?
    • My son. While all three of my children have their own set of struggles from the life my husband and I chose, my son has a better understanding of what is happening. He could just as easily decide to feel sorry for himself and his situation. He instead decides to be the star he is and shine so bright, even on my darkest days. Everyday he wakes up, even with all of the covid changes, not being able to go to school, appeasing his crazy twin sisters, and being very aware of the distance between his parents and him, shines bright, does his school work, expresses his creativeness, helps his sisters every single day more than I ever could, and still manages to be thoughtful and call me first most days. He is the shining light in the distance between my children and I. Yes all of my children struggle, but he is the only one old enough to understand this struggle. Even with this whole hearted understanding, he loves and respects what his dad and I are doing with our lives and why we are not with him. Yes, there are nights when he cries himself to sleep on FaceTime because he misses me so much and when he watches shows we’ve watched together while we’re on FaceTime simply because he misses the time spent. But most days he is still helping his sisters make it to the potty on time, tucking them in to bed, having tickle fights that I should be attending, and filling that missing link since we’ve been gone in so many aspects. Riley’s drive and positivity is absolutely my inspiration every single day.

So here is a lengthy block of text. I am sorry I didn’t have it in me to give the usual in depth sight in to my life. I hope that you can at least leave this block post with a better knowledge of who I am as a person. As always, thank you for your continued support and I will be back next week with my usual insight into this mess of a brain I have.