Asters & Dandelions

Growing pains are real. People change and people leave. You change and you leave people behind. But what happens when you’ve outgrown where you are and the people surrounding you but you’re stuck? I find myself having those days where nothing is actually wrong but nothing at all is right. I miss the days of waking up to kids cold feet as they try to sneak into my bed in the morning or the sounds of the chaos as my kids play and my husband stirs around playing video games and making breakfast. I miss having those quiet moments alone when I can sneak away.

Living in AIT is a lot like living on a cruise ship if the cruise ship were a motel 8. We’re all packed together and most of us don’t like each other or at the least grow tired of each other daily. I had a tribe at one point but as time goes on, it feels much more like a pair. The people I have grown to love, earned their wings (literal and metaphorical) and moved on to greater things. Meanwhile, I am stuck here impatiently waiting to be given that golden ticket of manilla folders called an out processing packet. Then and only then, will I begin to see any light at the end of this lengthy tunnel.

The days blur together and I can’t remember the last time I was able to fly. The only part of the army that makes it worth it to me is my job which I have not been able to do in four months and counting. I now man a desk and juggle others who are stuck in AIT purgatory. I’m not a desk kind of woman. I’m more of a take a sick day and climb a mountain kind of woman. I’m also a sit at the bar rail alone after a long day kind of woman. Neither of those layers that make me who I am are attainable here. Just as I lost pieces of myself when I became a wife, pieces of myself when I became a mother, I lost pieces of myself when I became a soldier. With growth, must there always be sacrifice?

I miss having the freedom of my time. There’s nothing like letting Riley skip school, we all throw on whatever is closest, pile into my car, and see where we end up. I miss being able to dedicate certain days to things I find are falling behind in my life. I miss taking a day to stay in pajamas and not interact with anyone. I never knew until being here, that you can crave being alone while being heartbreakingly lonely.

I miss being my own person. I miss being the captain of my energy and projection of my future. I know my future is still ultimately in my hands but man does the Army have lots to say about where I should be going; nagging me like a gps when I’m driving the back way.

Being in the army is devastatingly selfless. You sleep way less than you thought was humanly possible to survive. You’re under a microscope of traditions, regulations, and expectations like a shiny, overpriced ring, being put under crushing pressure and then inspected for your perfection and shine. You work your body past the limits you were positive your musculoskeletal system had; constantly ripping yourself apart and putting yourself back together stronger. But there’s also beauty in that pain. There’s a reason why all that matters. There is beauty in knowing you’re part of something bigger and greater than yourself. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life. Never had a clear path to success for myself. The army gave me that. It gave me purpose beyond my home and I am forever grateful for that.

My husband and I didn’t grow up in those neighborhoods with the cul de sacs and the nice schools. We didn’t come from the land of sweet sixteens and senior weeks. We worked from the time we were old enough to be home alone. I watched as my husband joined the army and forged his own path out of the mud. He built something for himself and when our paths led us to marriage, I continued to watch all he achieved and provided for our home. I have always been amazed at the man he is and all of his accomplishments. I have seen all of the amazing opportunities the Army provided him and I wanted that for myself as well.

Lets go ahead and make this clear: military does not make copious funds. We are not on a money boat riding out our contracts in sports cars and bar crawls. Some of us may, but the majority of us are normal families; with expenses and budgets and being critically aware of when pay day is every other week. I didn’t join the Army to ride the gravy train. Coincidentally, I make much less money than I did before I joined the Army. I joined for a sense of purpose. I joined to provide a different life for my home. I joined so my children can know it is never too late to start over. It is never too late to stop chasing what brings fire to your soul; even if you don’t know what that is at 26 with three children. I would be lying if I said I don’t regret not joining at 17 like my husband but I was meant to take the exact path I am on. If I had joined at 17, I honestly still would have most likely married my husband. We always find each other in the dark and some things are just fate. But who knows if we would have had our children. I wouldn’t have been able to stay home with them or hold them when they needed me. I most likely would have failed at breastfeeding and the truth is, I don’t think I could have been the mother I wanted to be if I had my children after joining the military.

Here I sit, regretting my choice most days and missing every little ‘can I have a snack?’ and every bedtime routine; missing my time and my lifestyle; missing my sweet husband wrapped around me at night and waking up to the feeling of his beard scratching against my neck. I joined the army because I felt like I was missing something but ironically joining has made me miss everything.