Asters & Dandelions

Check on your strong friends.

Everyone has that friend who never cries. The rock in the storm if you will. That friend breaks too, that friend cries too. That friend is going to be the last one to seek support. The last one to actively seek positivity while drowning in their own negativity. 

Ironically, while we all have the one friend who remains calm and seemingly unbothered, the one who carries on despite the continued storms, that friend has likely seen the darkest of moments. That friend will have the deepest holes within their own souls, the biggest skeletons within their closets. 

I am forever seeking the strongest person in the room; not necessarily the biggest, scariest, toughest (even though often true) but the one who remains untouched and solid continually. I ironically seek that strength in the sea of uncertainty while I’m often labelled as that strength. The thing is, I do not see myself as that strength. 

Perception is reality is a phrase that continuously haunts my life. While I’m standing in a crowd, I am never the one with the infectious smile or the one who looks like they need a hand. I am instead the one who is intimidating, the one who is a bitch. When in reality, I am neither of those things. I am simply a pile of insecurities and short comings stitched together with persistence and stubbornness who simply does not have the energy to care how you perceive me because some days it takes everything I have to make it through the day. There are some days I don’t make it through the day; those days where I cry in my room, clean my face and restore my bitch face in time for the next time you see me in a crowd.

I can promise you that your strong friends struggle too. Yes we’re strong but not invincible. Chances are, the things that make you complain, the things they’re making crude jokes about, those same things are bothering them too;. along with the other million things they have and/ or continue to endure that made them strong. So while they may not join you at the cookout, you may not even see them most days, and they’ll never ask you to, they need you there for them too. 

Don’t expect a warm welcome or a meaningful heart to heart. Each heart is stitched together differently. Your strong friend isn’t going to welcome the check ins and the constant ‘how are you?’s. They may not even thank you but they will be grateful. 

I had a friend come to my room at some point in the last few blurred weeks. They came in, asked me how I was, accepted my false ‘fine’, knowing it was lies, sat with me in silence, and left my room saying ‘okay, I’ll leave you alone’. I never once said a word to them and they didn’t expect it from me. And while it is not fulfilling or even courteous, and I know I have been cruel to them and absent from them more times then is fair to anyone, I am forever thankful for their blind acceptance and unwavering check ins.

Don’t push too hard. While being close to ‘the strong friend’ can have benefits such as undying loyalty, endless words of encouragement and affirmations, and a constant calm in your sea of emotions, it comes with its own set of downfalls. Don’t push too hard, the strong friend needs friends more so than wants them most of the time. Pushing your strong friend too hard is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone. It’s not that they don’t want you to feel appreciated and respected, they just may not have it to give. If you require validation within your relationships, you won’t get it from them. If you feel the need to fix someone, don’t bother; they’ll ice you out before you even know where their problems begin. If you need someone affectionate and openly thankful for everything you bring to the table, they can’t give you that either. Being the strong friend’s person is often a rewardless job.

I know the strong friend is a hard sell but they’re a genuine soul. No one becomes the strong friend without once being the weak one. The friendship between you and your strong friend may be confusing and difficult but they’ll always know your worth because the world never loves the strong friend, the world creates the strong friend.