Asters & Dandelions

The road to redemption after moral injury is a painful one. It is a lonely road only you can take. As many speed bumps, sharp turns and detours that shroud that journey, it is still such a worthy journey. As much hurt I have on my soul to know the depths of pain my journey down a dark path brought the ones I love the most, I am still thankful to myself that I found that space in the road to turn around and begin again.

The thing about redemption is, the only person who can validate I am redeemed is myself. This is a very conflicting place to be. When I alone made choices that hurt not just me, but the ones I love the most as well, I began my journey on the road to redemption with so much weight of shame, guilt, regret, and self hate. I found myself in a place where my load was so heavy, I was quickly running out of gas and struggling to continue moving forward toward my destination. If I wanted to continue on to that place of being a better person; a person who was capable and motivated to make choices that served the person I wanted to be, I had to drop the load of the person I was leaving behind.

That is not to say I forgot that person ever existed, I would be doing my future self such a disservice if I forgot how far I am truly capable of going down that road in the completely wrong direction. I’d also be doing the people who hurt from my poor navigation skills a disservice. However, trekking down my road to redemption while still making decisions, having reactions, and placing myself in positions that only speak to the load I left behind is like choosing to turn around and begin heading in the right direction but never changing the destination in my gps; as much as I attempt to push forward in the right direction, still living my life being defined as my past self will only continue to tell me to turn around at every intersection. If I am consistently led to believe, by my self image and others, that I am definitively my past self forever, I am destined to eventually believe that gps and turn right back around.

I have no control over how others define me. I do however, have control over how much weight their definition of me I choose to carry along my journey.

I say all of this to say, that same person who did all of those things that destroyed the people I love the most, is not the same person giving them the best version of myself and love I can right now. The person I am right now is resilient and strong and continues moving forward; choice by choice and mile by mile. The person I am now is unapologetically and unconditionally redeemed.

If others are seeking love from the person I was, I left her behind many speed bumps ago; they’re never going to find the love they seek from her because she is no longer present. Just as I had to make the choice to leave her behind to get to the place where I was able to live life with the person I am today, I hope they too can leave her behind and meet me again one day.

I am sorry to those I love who cannot find the peace and love they’re looking for but you have the wrong address in your gps. I no longer live there. You’re pulled over on the side of the road where I left my past self. Your journey will never bring you back to me because I am now miles away from her.