Asters & Dandelions

You know what’s hard? When you’re an over thinker who lacks communication skills. Your mind screams millions of ‘what ifs’ and ‘worst case scenarios’; all full of trust issues, self image issues, trauma scars, and inadequate tools to facilitate healthy relationships.

You know what’s even harder? Trying to heal yourself and being proven right. How can I silence the screams that I am not enough when my personal relationships, my professional peers, my world as a whole bellows all the ways I am not enough. “You make a big deal out of everything” “You are not as strong as your male counterparts” “You are not small enough or feminine enough”. How can I untangle the knots of distrust when I am shown how untrustworthy the world is every day? How can I be unafraid of being abandoned when I have been abandoned so many times? How can I tear down the walls around me crushing me with all of my inadequacies when they are being reinforced every day?

Healing yourself is an exhausting task. Some days, I don’t have the energy to climb that mountain. Even worse, some days I don’t have the mental fortitude to not fall back on toxic behaviors; cloaking my demons with a blanket of avoiding and distracting. Some days I am able to remind myself who the woman is that has climbed out of so many graves. This woman didn’t dig her way back up this many times to not live a fulfilling life. Yet some days all I hear are the voices of my parents, failed friendships, and lost opportunities calling me names and taking a piece of my grit with every syllable; leaving me with nothing except long periods of time spent alone in bed.

Everyone I meet inspires me. I learn things I aspire to embody from some, I learn things I want to rid myself of in others, but most often, I learn a bit of both. Surely I cannot be hypocritical enough to void myself of every imperfect human when I am imperfect in more ways than most. So how do I know? How do I know who is teaching and growing along side of me and who is making my forever uphill journey heavier with the weight of their own demons? Is it as simple as meeting someone who’s demons play nicely with my own? Is it as difficult as never truly knowing and just ignorantly silencing all of my skepticism?

I am aware how much this post echoes my previous post ‘Growth is Not a Linear Path’. That was more about stating it; reassuring myself that this is still a worthy journey. This is more about asking how? How do I break down the walls that riddle my path along the way? My self growth journey has resembled rolling hills rather than a majestic mountain.

It has been a beautiful and worthy fight.. It still is.