Asters & Dandelions

“The only way out, is through”

That quote has carried me through countless dark times in my life and I truly believe it to be true. I have written and deleted no less than 15 different forms of apologies within this introduction before coming to the conclusion, I am not sorry. This post will not be a “The bottom of the valley never provides the clearest view” inspirational post. This is simply and unapologetically self awareness. I’m going to dive into some dark places and if you don’t want to join me, that’s okay. We can pick right back up where we left off in my next post.

Do you ever take the time to get to know your darkness? I don’t mean in the “& how does that make you feel?” as you sit across from a stranger and they pick apart all the ways you are broken. I mean in the sitting alone, not watching anything because your mind wanders too far to focus, not being productive because you’re paralyzed by the chaos in your mind, not reaching out because it just seems like an effort you cannot afford.

I often find myself in a world of my own constantly seeking comfort items. I don’t mean a picture of my perfect family or a blanket I got as a child. I mean those moments where I do not have to wear a mask. I do not have to be okay. I almost always only find those moments of comfort in solitude. If you convince the world long enough that you’re okay, you forget how to turn it off. I am now always the life of the party and the person who is unafraid to speak their mind. Oh how far from the truth this is. That is, until I find those moments of comfort and am able to unapologetically slip into my darkness as if I were walking through the door of my home after a long day. In those moments, you wouldn’t recognize me. The life of the party slips into solitude as if it were a glass slipper from a Disney movie. The one who is never afraid to speak her mind, struggles to verbalize a description of all of the cracks, scratches, and imperfections that make up this broken form of a person. You see, no one has one single catalyst and is instantly and intimately connected with their inner darkness. It is a much slower process. Just as oceans take decades to change as a whole, so does ones self awareness and attachment to their darkness. You just wake up one day, and you are equal parts in love with and despise the darkness within; the only place that you ever feel truly at home. And with such a long, winding road to this proverbial home, you don’t always know how you got there and you rarely know you’re way back.

I’ve fallen in love with all of the things that help my darkness shine. I love the gloomy weather in Washington, the mist falling on me most mornings; like the small things I carry with me day to day reminding me of who I am behind the mask. I love long periods of time alone, like the times I never thought I’d be able to pick myself back up yet here I stand. I love clothes that are far too big for me, reminding me I do not have to force myself to fit into societies mold of ‘okay’. I love listening to the same songs I’ve been listening to since I was a child, knowing I can still hold onto all the pieces that make me who I am despite having to ever evolve to survive. I love going days without making connections to the outside world, remembering that I can do it on my own, even if I don’t always have to as often now. I love watching the same shows I’ve seen 20 plus times, despite knowing the ending because it’s nice to sometimes know how things end up, even if it’s not always for the best. Yet somehow I’m not sure that’s what they meant by “life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”.

I know what you’re thinking. Which is why I may have countless journal entries even darker and more in depth than this post. I am forever balancing between sharing my truth with the world and scaring the world away with my truth. I will not say I am a perfect human. I will not even say I am not currently struggling. But I will say that I am okay and I am going to be okay. Before you weigh me down with your definitions of happy, remember that it’s not always the darkness; it’s pretending you do not have darkness within you that is the heaviest burden.

So maybe the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t always have to be a way out of the darkness we find ourselves continually running from. Maybe the light simply comes from our eyes adjusting. That moment when you realize you might be different than most of your counterparts but you’re not any less worthy or any further behind than they are; you’re simply walking two separate paths that only intersect at pinhole viewpoints, disorienting your perspective into thinking you are far off from the(ir) path to success. When in reality, you are not falling off the path towards the light. For there is never one singular path nor is there ever one singular light. I’ve come to find we get so caught up in finding our way to the light, we fail to realize that we are the creators of our own light.

Maybe I am the strange one who finds comfort in all the dark things you associate with depths of depression and isolation. Or maybe I am the one closest to the end of the tunnel. Maybe once our eyes adjust, and we realize the proverbial light of ‘making it’ isn’t necessarily light at all but acceptance. Maybe then we can stop donning our masks and being what we think we look like once we make it into the light. Maybe in the end, despite how fast we run or how far the lengths we go to make it to that light, we’ll always end up the exact same person we were always destined to be; flawed and imperfect but content within our own darkness, still completely capable seeing all that brings us joy and fulfillment and completely capable of providing all of the things we require from within ourselves.